A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
