Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
