I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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