Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
