He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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