Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
50% drunk capacity currently
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
