My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
