I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Houston, we have a blender
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
