Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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