Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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