im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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