i jhust puked up my retainher.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
