WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
