I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
