Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
