but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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