i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
