You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
