I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
