You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
