Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
did i walk over a car last night?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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