Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
