Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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