I feel great
I just peed on a car
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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