I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
