I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
