Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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