Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
