He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
