Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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