You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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