I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
