It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
