I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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