we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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