Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
