I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
