i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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