I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
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