i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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