idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
