I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
