you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The best revenge is premature balding
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
