Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
