Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
