I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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