Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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