you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
