just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This house was built for laser tag.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
