dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
