she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
