I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
dude. I can hear the air.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
