You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
