Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am one with the molecules
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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