Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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