Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
