I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
